Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
