we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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