I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
