I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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