the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
