did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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