I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
