they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
