I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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