We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
