he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
