I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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