I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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