I met the friendliest cop last night
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
