I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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