You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
