Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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