I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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