it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
