I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
