You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
