I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
