the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
