I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
