I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
time to smoke my breakfast
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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