Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
tell me about the eggs
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
