Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Randomize
