I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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