The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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