dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
So here I am, sexting at work.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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