You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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