woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I smell like Dick and happiness
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
