I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
