just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
