I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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