Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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