Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
