How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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