hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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