I think my vagina is haunted
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
