two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
