Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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