I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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