so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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