If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
