my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
