just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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