She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
