I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
