My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
