I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
