She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
