I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
