***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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