I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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