John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
