I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
