i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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