just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
