If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
