if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
