i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
