He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
