i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
