i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
