Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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