my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
