I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
