The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
