Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
